


Deadly Reunions

by ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22423981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours/pseuds/ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours
Summary: Sirius Black was the first man to get to Godric's Hollow the night his friends were killed. When Sirius looks back at his life, all he can see are deadly sins.





	Deadly Reunions

_**DISCLAIMER:** _ _The ideas are mine, the characters, sadly are not._

* * *

" _I'm not half what I wish I was"_ _ **Elliott Smith - Ptseleth**_

* * *

When I look back at my life all I can see are deadly sins.

I loved her from day one. That's not something most people get to experience. But when it happens, it only happens once.

We were going to Hogwarts for the very first time when I saw her. I never forgot her bright green eyes. She looked at me. It was brief, it lasted a second if that much, but it had been enough. Not that I could understand this feeling by then. I had no idea what was it that made my heart stop whenever I saw Lily walking through the corridors. I was too young and too stupid for my own good.

_**Pride** _

I was proud of being sorted into Gryffindor. I had finally broken free from my family and from their despicable pure-blood obsessions. I was no longer stuck on that horrible mansion listening to my mother's lecture on the royalty of Black's blood. At Hogwarts nobody would tell me I was not worth much, nobody would set up dinners with wealthy families and their daughters trying to get me an appropriated girlfriend, and certainly nobody would suggest the muggles should be exterminated from the planet. I was only eleven and I was sick of that nonsense.

For the first time in my life I had friends! James Potter, whose entire family had been in Gryffindor and Remus Lupin, who didn't talk much about himself and his family. We were intelligent and we were proud of our brightness. We wanted the entire school to know how smart we were.

James and I would cast spells on people for fun, just because we could. Even now, I still understand why we did it. It was amusing. If I had to go back I would do it all over again. What does that make of me? What kind of a person am I?

I was so proud of being in Gryffindor I fixed Gryffindor posters on my room at home. It was the biggest offense I couldn't do to my father. I didn't care. They had Regulus to make them proud.

And Lily Evans was in Gryffindor. But the pretty red-haired girl did not seem to notice how great we were. She didn't seem to like her at all, I couldn't understand! I couldn't understand why would she hang around with that Snape kid instead of talking to us. Snape was a young lonely fellow deeply involved with black magic! What did Lily wanted with that guy?

Look at me now, talking about the past as if it was excusable. What does it matter that I couldn't understand? What difference does it make now?

_**Lust** _

Someday, when I was about fourteen years old I was watching Lily on the lake and my pants felt funny. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. Damn! It's been so many years and I still feel stupid when I think about that.

I had loved her since the first time I had seen her, but now I realized I felt something more. I wanted her. Physically.

All the guys were beginning to feel that way towards girls. Remus had been through it, he was older. We would talk about them as if they were objects, and ordinarily I would not have minded. But whenever I thought about Lily on those terms I felt dirty. Unclean. Unworthy.

And yet, I knew I wanted her. As badly as a fourteen years old boy can desire a girl.

And I was so unexperienced! I had never kissed a girl before!

But I knew I wanted Lily to be my first kiss. I could imagine our lips touching, the fragrance of her soft parfum impregnating my clothes, her hands holding my body as if she didn't want to let me go. I would dream about her every night and wake up wishing to see her face. That's why I followed her to the Three Brooms on our first weekend on Hogsmeade that year. She was alone, I knew I wouldn't get a better chance. I didn't even say anything. It was not romantic, it was not beautiful, there was no music. I merely held her body tight to mine and kissed her.

I was so rude. I didn't know it then. I had barely talked to Lily before that, I didn't know how to approach her. But ignorance and malice are just as bad, are they not?

That was the very best kiss of my life and the girl didn't even kissed me back. She fought to get rid of me. How screwed up is that?

"I love you" - I told her as soon as our lips were unsealed.

"Get away from me!" - Lily slapped me on the face struggling to get rid of my arms. - "You are disgusting, Black, don't you ever get close to me again."

I was looking inside her eyes when she told me that. Her bright green eyes.

_**Greed** _

I went back to Hogwarts after that, and never told Prongs nor Moony about it. I wanted to keep that for myself. It felt so much like a failure. I didn't want my best friends to know about the one true feeling I had experience. What kind of a friend was I?

A lot of things was happening on those days. We had discovered Remus was a werewolf. After some time and plenty of hard study We became animagus, and after that we became unstoppable. We explored the whole school, and when Hogwarts became boring we escaped the castle and walked around the village. I felt powerful, and insatiable. I wanted more and more of that freedom.

My friends became interested in other girls as well. They were experiencing, and sometimes they'd not hang out with me to be with their girls. They were my friends, I should be happy for them.

I can't lie to myself: I wasn't.

I was rejected. And when they were not with me I had time to think of Lily. She didn't seem even upset that things had not worked out between us. On the contrary, Lily was aways accompanied of that extremely long-nosed Snape kid, whose hair appear to never be washed.

I knew that if I loved her I should be happy that she had found someone. That she was not alone. I should be thanking Severus for making her happy. Those were the noble feelings for one to experience.

But my feelings have never been noble.

I made one of my life goals to make Snape miserable. I haunt him throughout the school and put him through the most ridiculous humiliations. I was to blame when Snape and Lily stopped talking to each other. They argued in front of everybody one day, after James attacked Snivellus. But James did it for me. I was bored.

Fortunately Snape became a death eater. This way I don't have to feel bad for not being sorry for what happened on those days.

Lily was mine.

And if I could not have her, I would have whoever else I wanted. I had many girls after Lily. Lost count of them. They were pretty, some of them even smart and all of them kissed me back when I kissed their lips. But it was not the same. There was no... emotion.

But I didn't care at all.

People thought I was just cocky. I let them think that. I collected girls with as if their feelings were objects exposed on a shelf. I left dozens of broken hearts whenever I went. It amused me.

The truth, of course is that I was looking for what that first unwanted kiss had given me. I think back then I already knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for.

_**Wrath** _

Nothing, however could have prepared me to that summer, after our sixth year, when Prongs came into my room to tell me he had kissed Lily. It hit me like a punch on the stomach.

I was living in his house now. His parents had taken me in like their own son after I ran away from Grimmauld Place, 12, my parents mansion. We were brothers. But none of it make it any easier for me to digest that he had kissed Lily Evans.

In the beginning I felt anger. Anger that he had taken what should have been mine from day one. Anger that he had taken my girl.

Of course he didn't know. I had never told James what had happened on Hogsmeade almost three years ago. I told my friends details about every girl I had ever had, but I could never bring myself to tell them about the one girl I had really cared for. The one girl who had never cared about me.

But how come that she had willingly kissed James? Had she not turned me down because I was despicable? Because I was a show-off? Because she couldn't stand what I did to her slytherin friend? James did all that and even worst. What did he have that I didn't?

I'm disgusted of myself. My best friend is dead and I am competing with him.

Of course I could have see that coming. James had been acting like a fool in front of Lily for two years, the kind of behavior a guy can only have in front of a girl he has feelings for. But I was blind to all of that. I wanted to be blind to it. I convinced myself that my best friend couldn't be in love with the same girl I was. I convinced myself James would never do that to me. Do that to me! Yes, I was that selfish!

It didn't matter that James didn't know he was taking away the girl of my life. It didn't matter that she didn't love me, anyway. It didn't matter that I could have any other girl I chose. It didn't, even matter that he was my best friend, I would still be anger. And it would last forever.

Anger is a powerful thing. It doesn't simply go away. It doesn't matter if they're both dead now.

_**Envy** _

I stopped talking to James for weeks. It was an unannounced war.

Prongs couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I was avoiding him, I spent as much time out of home as I could. Of course I didn't tell him what was going on. I let him assume I missed my parents or some other absurd thing like that. Anything was preferable than the truth.

I couldn't be anywhere near James for a simple reason: I wanted what he had.

I wanted that girl, I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to hold her tight and never let go. I wanted to marry her, to have kids with her. To love her.

And yet, when he told me, I put a big smile on my face and congratulated James for kissing the girl we all knew he wanted to kiss for years. I said we should have a party to celebrate his success, and told him I didn't understand what he saw in that ginger girl. What I really wanted to say, what I wanted the world to know, resumed to five words:

"I'm in love with her."

I didn't say them out loud. James did.

_**Gluttony** _

Right on that moment I realized I had to make a choice. I couldn't have both of them.

I wanted them both. His friendship and her love. He would be the best man on our marriage, and the godfather of our kids. She would have him as a brother-in-law, and we would spend the holidays together. It was a perfect future full of possibilities.

Except that it would not happen. And I had to make a choice. Is there a right choice, between the love of your life and your brother?

I chose James. I chose his friendship over her love. I chose his happiness over mine.

I'm making it sound like I'm a self-sacrificing hero. Hell, that's not even near to the truth I was no hero. What I did I had to do. If I had told James I loved her, if I had decided to fight for the girl after he had openly expressed his feelings what kind I would have been nothing but a jerk

So I never told him the truth about my feelings for Lily. She never mentioned the Hogsmead's incident to him either. He remained ignorant, but then again, sometimes, ignorance is bless.

Only a jerk would wait his best friend tell him he was in love with a girl to confess the same. I had had years to tell James. But now it was too late. After he confessed that to me I was no longer allowed to love Lily unless I was willing to sacrifice our friendship.

So I walked away.

James was not my friend. He was my brother. I owed him that. It doesn't make a difference that it took a great strength to walk away. It is what had to be done.

_**Sloth** _

I am crying. I have just been to their place in Godric's Hollow. It's been destroyed. I found Harry in there. He's just a small baby. I took him from his crib and held him tight against my chest, feeling the warmth of his baby body. Harry was crying.

I cleaned his face with my shirt's sleeve and held him protectively. There, in that moment just a few minutes ago I forgot all the horror around us. I saw Harry growing up. He would grow into a beautiful, healthy young man. I would buy him a broom as soon as he was old enough and we would play together on weekends. I'd finally settle down, maybe try and become an auror, something that kid could be proud of. And I would take him for motorcycle rides whenever we felt like it.

I love him. I can not explain, but when I held him in my arms I knew I would be able to give my life for that little baby boy. His is my godson. My son. The only thing left from the two people I had loved the most on my entire life.

But when I had Harry I my arms Hagrid arrived. He wanted to take him. Dumbledore's orders, he said. I insisted on keeping the baby, but Hagrid was decided. And I let him go. I didn't fight for my grandson. That baby is my responsibility, he was entrusted on me by James and Lily, and I let him go. I even gave Hagrid my motorcycle. I was lazy.

I hate myself too much right now.

I have a picture of Lily in my hands. It's old, and wet with my tears, but I can see her bright green eyes staring at me.

Is it stupid that I am kissing that photograph?

I don't care anymore. I don't care that I look stupid, I don't care that I'm crying like a little girl. They would assume I am crying for James. I'll let them think that. But I am crying for them both James and Lily are dead. The brother who understood me and the woman of my life. All at once. No anesthesia.

People everywhere are celebrating the end of the war.

I have paid for this war with my dearest blood.


End file.
